


Healing Me, Healing You

by that_one_bunnyzen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Accountant Doyoung, Blood and Injury, Body Worship, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lawyer Jaehyun, M/M, Mentioned Lee Taeyong, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, ahhahaahha this is fucked up, idk what to name it so i gave it this shitty title, im still bad at tagging, life stinks, sorry - Freeform, sorta???, they try to heal each other uwu, they're both broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27371155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_one_bunnyzen/pseuds/that_one_bunnyzen
Summary: Despite being in a loving relationship, the voices inside Kim Doyoung and Jung Jaehyun's heads are loud about their past trauma and pain. Now, they are trying to heal each other with their love.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Kudos: 30





	Healing Me, Healing You

**Author's Note:**

> Um hi, so I have decided to discontinue my mafia au work as I am dealing with too much emotionally and mentally. So here is a crappy fic I wrote while looping sad songs and yeah, enjoy.
> 
> TW for blood, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, past child abuse, past abusive relationship, trauma, etc

Blood. Lots of blood. Kim Doyoung looked dazedly at the splatters of crimson red all over the bathroom floor, holding his wrist tightly. The viscous liquid pooled in between his slim fingers, the hand failing to suppress the oozing.

He didn't know what made him grab the knife as soon as he came back from work. Was it the failed proposal? Was it the argument he had with his best friend, Lee Taeyong, about the proposal? Was it the fact that his boyfriend, Jung Jaehyun, didn't reply to his text? Doyoung's head was full of negativity.

Jaehyun would be so disappointed if he undressed Doyoung and saw the numerous cut lines on the older man's arms and thighs. He told Doyoung not to cut his, in Jaehyun's opinion, beautiful skin but Doyoung had to. Doyoung had to punish himself for his wrongdoings, his father did it when he was a child, why couldn’t he punish himself as an adult.

Thinking about Jaehyun got Doyoung scrambling to clean the blood, grabbing multiple towels and disinfectants. More blood smeared the floor as Doyoung used his dirty hands to clean up the mess, Doyoung hissing at the warm liquid running down his other cuts. Cursing silently, Doyoung wrapped toilet paper around his cuts and continued to clean up, getting desperate as Jaehyun could come home anytime soon.

After ten minutes of desperate scrubbing, Doyoung tended to his fresh cuts, wrapping them up with a bandage and cleaning it up badly with a wet cloth, which was disposed of. Looking up at the mirror, Doyoung observed himself in his bloodied t-shirt, looking as disgusting as he felt. What does Jaehyun see in him? What does Jaehyun, the handsome lawyer with multiple admirers, see in him, an introverted accountant who was hated by his boss and co-workers.

Feeling numb, Doyoung stripped off his clothes and reached for Jaehyun’s law school hoodie, which would hopefully cover every cut he gave himself today and for the past few weeks. The accountant left the bathroom (hopefully) clean and went into the kitchen to start up dinner, preparing kimchi fried rice for Jaehyun. Doyoung’s arms ached from the numerous cuts but he couldn’t let Jaehyun know he cut himself again. Not today.

To distract himself, Doyoung hummed to himself IU’s new track, his arms still in pain and Jaehyun’s hoodie scratching against the cuts on his thighs. It didn’t work as well as he hoped but at least it was better than being alone with his thoughts. While he worked on dinner, the front door of the apartment opened and Doyoung looked towards Jaehyun, who had a soft smile on his face seeing his beloved boyfriend.

“Doie, my love.” Jaehyun greeted, dropping his coat on the rack. Doyoung forced a smile as Jaehyun approached him, the lawyer quick to pull Doyoung in a sweet kiss full of love. Doyoung prevented a hiss when Jaehyun grazed his hand on Doyoung’s arm before the kiss. “How was your day?”

“It was alright, Jae. nothing new.” Doyoung lied in response and Jaehyun dropped the subject, opting to kiss Doyoung’s forehead before going to their bedroom to change his clothes. As soon as Doyoung heard the door close, the forced smile was dropped and Doyoung turned back to the dinner, the physical and emotional pain he was feeling came crashing back.

Doyoung was scooping the dinner into two plates when Jaehyun came back into the kitchen in comfortable wear, the accountant tensing when Jaehyun approached him. Doyoung forced himself to relax when Jaehyun back-hugged him and kissed his cheek gently.

“I missed you, baby.” Jaehyun mumbled and Doyoung’s heart warmed up a little bit. The love Jaehyun had for him was always expressed through words, gifts and kisses. It was overwhelming in many ways to Doyoung.

“I missed you too.” Doyoung replied, setting down the plates on the counter and letting Jaehyun turn him around in the lawyer’s embrace. Jaehyun’s lovely dimples were in full effect and Doyoung’s heart fully melted. Naturally, their lips met and Doyoung wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, the bandages shifting roughly against his scabbing skin. Doyoung hissed in the kiss and Jaehyun pulled away in worry.

"Doie?" Jaehyun asked and Doyoung shook his head.

"I'm fine, babe." Doyoung pressed their lips back together and Jaehyun gently pulled away to observe Doyoung's face.

"Let's eat dinner first then we can kiss and cuddle, okay?" Doyoung nodded in response and Jaehyun left a soft peck on Doyoung's lips. The lawyer took the two plates and set them on the table, Doyoung following him to the small area. Sitting across from each other, Doyoung listened quietly to Jaehyun talk about his day in court, his arms burning and aching from the cuts. When Jaehyun asked Doyoung about his day, the accountant set his utensil down and sighed heavily.

“It was normal.” Doyoung replied and Jaehyun nodded in understanding. “Failed proposal, boss was angry again, I’m not surprised I’m fired yet.”

“Baby, don’t say that.” Jaehyun extended a hand towards Doyoung’s arm and the older man was quick to move it away. The lawyer lifted an eyebrow and Doyoung felt his stomach turn upside down. “Doyoung… what happened?” Shit, Jaehyun knew something was wrong.

“Nothing, Jae, can you clean up the table while I put the dinner away?” Doyoung dodged the question quickly, confirming Jaehyun’s suspicions.

“Doyoung, did you cut yourself again?” Jaehyun asked lightly and Doyoung’s world froze. Fuck, he was going to break up with Doyoung. Doyoung will be alone again.

“I-i-i didn’t!” Doyoung squeaked, getting up and picking up the plate. His arm burned again and Doyoung hissed at the pain. Jaehyun was suddenly alert and got up to set the plate down. “Jae, please.” Jaehyun shushed Doyoung like a kicked puppy and with pure care, Jaehyun rolled up Doyoung’s sleeve and the broken expression on the lawyer’s face hurt Doyoung badly.

“Doyoung, baby, why?” Jaehyun asked, voice cracking. It hurt Doyoung so much that he was the cause of Jaehyun’s worry. “I told you not to hurt your beautiful body.”

“I have to, I have to hurt myself, Jae. Appa hurt me as a kid when I did wrong.” Doyoung answered, tears running down his face. “I did wrong when the proposal failed and I blamed Taeyong hyung. Appa can’t hurt me because he’s not here so I have to do the deed.”

“Baby, you’re wrong, you’re not supposed to hurt yourself when you mess up.” Jaehyun said softly, bringing Doyoung into his embrace. “I know your appa did that to you but he’s wrong, baby, you are not supposed to be hurt when you do wrong.”

“Jae, what do you do when you mess up then?” Doyoung’s eyes fluttered closed when Jaehyun kissed him softly.

“Well tomorrow, you apologize to Taeyong hyung and sort out your differences. As for your boss, just try the proposal again. There are other ways to approach. Don’t hurt yourself ever again, this pretty skin…” Jaehyun lifted Doyoung’s arm and kissed the bandages tenderly. “...won’t be hurt again. Every cut that will stay there will be healed with love and kisses.”

“Woojae…” Doyoung started.

“Let me love you, Doie.” Jaehyun pulled Doyoung into another kiss and with his strong arms, Jaehyun lifted Doyoung up in his embrace. The accountant wrapped his legs around Jaehyun’s waist, hissing again when his old cuts grazed against the lawyer’s sweatpants. “Are you okay, baby?”

“I’m okay, Jae, I’m okay.” Doyoung mumbled and he was carried to the bed, both of his sleeves rolled up to show his bandaged skin. Jaehyun leaned down to kiss his boyfriend sweetly before moving his mouth to Doyoung’s neck. “If this is your excuse to have--”

“No, Doie, I would never.” Jaehyun shook his head against Doyoung’s neck. “I will just kiss you where you’ve been hurt and worship you like the angel you are.”

“Woojae…” Doyoung felt tears prickle his eyes as Jaehyun left more kisses along his neck.

“Leave the hurt alone and focus on the love I am giving you.” Jaehyun mumbled before lifting up Doyoung’s arm and leaving sweet pecks against the bandages. Doyoung tried to move his free hand to Jaehyun’s sweatpants, feeling like he should give back, but the lawyer caught the hand and pinned it gently on the bed.

“Stay there, baby.” Jaehyun mumbled as he started at the elbow, leaving soft kisses along the skin. Doyoung wanted to cry so much, seeing Jaehyun smile against his skin.

“Jae…” Doyoung sniffled when Jaehyun kissed each of his fingertips, tears finally slipping down his cheeks. “Why do you love me so much?” Jaehyun set down Doyoung’s hand and shushed the older with a kiss.

“There’s many things I love about you, Doie.” Jaehyun responded, using a hand to wipe Doyoung’s tears away. “You’re smart, talented, beautiful, and you have such a kind heart, baby.”

“B-but my appa-”

“Your appa is not a nice man, baby, you are so much more than what he said.” Jaehyun cut Doyoung off. “Only focus on what I say because unlike your appa, Woojae says the truth.”

“Woojae…”

“Where else does it hurt? I will make you heal.” Doyoung pulled Jaehyun down for a passionate kiss, breathing the lawyer in like he was going to lose him forever.

“It hurts… my heart hurts.” Doyoung remarked after the kiss, making Jaehyun smile softly. The accountant felt more tears when Jaehyun kissed his sternum gently. “Also my thighs, I cut my thighs like a bad boy.”

“You’re not a bad boy either, baby. It’s okay but don’t do it again.” Doyoung watched his boyfriend lift his legs up and over his shoulders, Jaehyun leaving soft touches on the scarred skin. “Promise me, Doie, that this beautiful skin won’t be cut again. The only thing this skin will receive is kisses and bites.”

“I promise, Woojae…” Doyoung mumbled and held his breath as Jaehyun left a careful kiss on one scar. It didn’t hurt, only a light press of plush lips. Doyoung relaxed against Jaehyun’s hold as he was loved, the butterfly kisses along his skin feeling like patches of love. If it was possible, Jaehyun’s kisses would have removed the scars from Doyoung’s body.

“Kim Doyoung, my love.” Jaehyun whispered against the skin, loud enough for Doyoung to hear.

“Jung Jaehyun, my love.” The smile against his thigh melted Doyoung into a puddle of goo. The accountant was pulled into a gentle kiss after Jaehyun left his mark on Doyoung’s scars. “Can we…”

“Anything for you.” Doyoung gathered enough strength to flip them over so Jaehyun was on his back. Doyoung kissed the lawyer with passion, pouring out his desperation and love for the younger into that kiss. Jaehyun reciprocated the ferocity, letting the accountant take the lead of the kiss. “Baby, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I won’t get hurt.” Doyoung started planting kisses on Jaehyun’s neck and the lawyer let him, protective hands on Doyoung’s waist. “I want to heal you too, Woojae.”

“I’m okay, Doie. Me healing you is all I need.”

“But let me do something for you-” Doyoung was cut off with a kiss.

“You don’t need to, this is all about you.” Jaehyun sat up against the headboard and brought Doyoung into a gentle kiss. "Where else does it hurt?"

"My lips kind of hurt." Doyoung smiled a little when Jaehyun leaned up to kiss him again.

"There we go." Jaehyun mumbled, smiling with dimples and all. "Your smile is what heals me."

"Then I will smile for you." The kiss this time was with a smile from both parties, love and affection pouring in.

"Doie, instead of hurting, talk to me please. I don't want any more secrets."

"I promise, Woojae." Doyoung mumbled and that statement got him a kiss from Jaehyun. "I promise I will tell you everything."

"Okay, baby, let's sleep now. You must be exhausted from everything." Jaehyun remarked and Doyoung agreed. The lawyer got Doyoung to lay on his back and Jaehyun got up to pull a blanket over the two.

"Jae." Doyoung mumbled when his cheek was squished against the lawyer's chest.

"Doie." Jaehyun repeated.

"Thank you, for everything." Doyoung's voice tapered off to a yawn and Jaehyun kissed his forehead gently.

"Don't thank me, hyung, I was just loving you."

"I love you."

"And I love you." Jaehyun waited until Doyoung fell asleep before slipping out of bed and going into the bathroom. Before closing the bathroom door, Jaehyun saw Doyoung smile in his sleep and that warmed the lawyer's heart.

_ 'You don't deserve him, Jung Jaehyun.' _ Jaehyun's traitorous brain provided as he locked the door. Staring at himself in the mirror, Jaehyun lifted up his sleeve to see the jagged cuts he gave himself last night. Jaehyun started cutting a few weeks ago, and he became distant from Doyoung. Jaehyun sat down in the bathtub and stared dazedly at his arm, feeling shame and disgust.

_ 'You're too busy being a hero for Doyoung when you haven't done anything right.' _ His mind continued to spew insults as Jaehyun grabbed his razor and started slicing his skin with the blade. Tiny drops splattered across the bathtub as Jaehyun mindlessly kept cutting.

_ 'You're never good enough-' _

_ 'Doyoung would be so much happier without you-' _

_ 'You're the reason of his pain-' _

_ 'You should have stayed with him to be thrown around like a useless bitch-' _

_ 'Just fucking end it-' _

"Jaehyun, baby, no!" Jaehyun was cut out of his daze when Doyoung rushed in and held Jaehyun’s wrist. The broken look on Doyoung's face shattered Jaehyun’s heart. "Put it down, please." Jaehyun dropped the razor with a clatter and his eyes started tearing up.

"I'm so sorry, Doie, I'm s-such a bad boyfriend." Jaehyun started, tears flowing down his cheeks.

“You’re not a bad boyfriend, Woojae.” Ignoring the blood, Doyoung climbed into the bathtub and brought Jaehyun into a breathless kiss, finding his natural place in Jaehyun’s lap. Jaehyun hiccuped into the kiss and Doyoung pulled away to take in Jaehyun’s expression. Doyoung noticed the puffy eyes and dark circles underneath. “Talk to me, please.”

“I… I met him again, hyung.” Jaehyun confessed and he started crying, the painful memories flooding back. Doyoung got the statement right away and he started crying too.

“Jae, that can’t be true-”

“He was working with the defense, Doie, and I’m in prosecution.” Jaehyun’s mind flashed back to last week’s court meeting, when he entered and saw the cold eyes he was in love with two years ago. “He didn’t stop staring at me, Doie.”

_ “Nice to see you again, sweetie, did you miss me?” _ Jaehyun heard his ex-lover’s voice boom in the lawyer’s head.

“H-h-he cornered me in my office and taunted me. He said that I looked happier because of you and he hated it.” Jaehyun continued, thinking about the horrid touches he got that day. “He made me miserable, Doie, and he made me not forget that the other day.”

“Baby, you are not with him anymore, he’s nothing.” Doyoung remarked, taking Jaehyun’s bloodied arm and kissing Jaehyun’s palm. “My appa and your disgusting ex, they’re nothing now.”

“Doie-”

“They will be a distant memory if we focus on each other.” With care, Doyoung got off Jaehyun’s lap and went to the cabinet to take out bandages and a wet cloth. Jaehyun stared at Doyoung’s form, in shock that he found such a beautiful boyfriend. He was also angry at himself that the accountant was taking care of him when Jaehyun was supposed to take care of Doyoung.

“Let me heal you too.” Doyoung said before placing the towel over Jaehyun’s fresh cuts. The lawyer whimpered and Doyoung shushed Jaehyun gently. “I will kiss your pain away too.”

“My arm really hurts, hyung.” Jaehyun whispered when Doyoung cleaned the blood off, getting a soft smile from Doyoung.

“Okay, Woojae.” Doyoung lifted the towel up and left a gentle kiss on one puffy scar. “Let me bandage it first then I will kiss it more.” Jaehyun decided to bury his face in Doyoung’s neck and sniffle while Doyoung bandaged his cuts. After five minutes, Doyoung set down the bandage roll and moved Jaehyun away from his neck to kiss the lawyer softly.

“Where does it hurt, Jae?” Doyoung asked carefully.

“My lips hurt a little.” Jaehyun replied and with laughs, the couple locked lips again and they were only focused on each other. Their bandaged arms did burn but it was overshadowed with the soft kisses they shared.

“Your arm too?” Doyoung was about to lift Jaehyun’s arm again before Jaehyun pulled him into another kiss.

“Let’s go to bed, baby, you can heal me there.”

“We need to clean up though.” Doyoung looked at their bloodied state and the splatters on the tub.

“Let’s.” Unlike last time, Doyoung cleaned up the mess calmly with Jaehyun stealing kisses from him every few minutes. The scars of their pasts were there wrapped under the bandages but they had each other and that was all that mattered. When the mess was cleaned up, Doyoung was lifted and carried to their bedroom. They changed into pajamas and settled on the bed.

“You seemed very strong when you carried me back.” Doyoung mumbled when he started kissing Jaehyun’s bandaged arm, Jaehyun’s back against the headboard. The lawyer smiled softly when Doyoung kissed his forehead afterwards, his arms going around the accountant’s waist.

“Doie, baby, I love you.” Jaehyun confessed for the millionth time since they started their relationship almost two years ago.

“I love you too. More than the amount of stars in the universe.” That confession hit Jaehyun so hard, the lawyer removed one hand from Doyoung’s waist to the top drawer of their bedside table. “Woojae-” Jaehyun took out a velvet box and opened it to show two matching silver rings.

“I was going to give this to you on our second anniversary but today has been such a draining day for the both of us.” Jaehyun started, watching Doyoung’s lips go from a small ‘o’ to a wide gummy smile. His eyes drifted to Doyoung’s watery eyes and the lawyer couldn’t help but to smile.

“Kim Dongyoung, promise me that we will only heal each other when things go wrong. We will not hurt ourselves anymore.” Jaehyun continued, taking Doyoung’s slim hand and sliding the smaller ring on the accountant’s ring finger.

“I promise.” Doyoung replied, voice cracking. Doyoung took the larger ring and slid it on Jaehyun’s ring finger. “Jung Jaehyun, promise me that we will only heal each other when things go wrong. We will not hurt ourselves anymore.”

“I promise.” Jaehyun set down the box and Doyoung pulled the lawyer into a loving kiss, the ring feeling heavy on his finger. “I love you, Doie.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you most.” Jaehyun kissed Doyoung’s forehead and the accountant’s heart melted into a puddle of goo. Soon enough, after many kisses, Doyoung felt himself doze off in Jaehyun’s arms.

“Don’t leave, Jae.” Doyoung mumbled when Jaehyun closed the lamp.

“I won’t, baby.” Jaehyun responded, kissing the top of Doyoung’s head.

“You promised…” Doyoung yawned at the end and Jaehyun just wrapped his arms tighter around Doyoung’s form.

“I love you.”

“Love you too.” With their legs tangled together under the sheets, the couple fell asleep, feeling only warmth and love. The scars they have received in the past will be healed with the love they have for each other.

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot was terrible, I am so sorry. Have a great day.


End file.
